>>>I know...But I'm just saying<<'s topics - tribe.net

I miss the weight of your body on mine.

CrabbyAnn Jones — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 06:19:24 GMT

I know how you feel. But I'm just saying.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

rankled

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 20:32:44 GMT

a coworker commented yesterday how my current girlfriend looks a lot like my ex-wife... that really bothered me... so last night i went looking thru my photos and tried to compare them visually but couldn't. i think my eyes were colored by my memories. a lot of the hurt was gone but i really wanted to know how some of them were doing, to know if they were okay, happy, healthy and all that. one of them even moved to california (from TN) and if she's listening i really wonder how the little one's are and if she's ever coming back for a visit.

another is right where she was years ago when we dated, and i think hasn't changed (emotionally) a bit.

last i heard the other, she moved (temporarily i hope) to south korea. she's coming back in may i think; i hope. i do miss her.

the next girl probably moved back to KY, but if she's listening... i want to make babies darling.

after that, the next one, she can stay where ever she's at. i'm not ready to be friends with her ever.

and then after all that, i wonder what it says about me that i haven't acknowledge, what it means to want to see them again, why i wish some happy, some back, and some to stay away?

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 2 replies

To the person I love who I never went out with but have to say all this

Darceiah — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 03:18:34 GMT

this is to the person I loved and still love and it tortures me everyday. WHy do I love you still? I guess i is unhealty or something but I don't care what sterotypical crap people want to catorgerize shit in cause If I could cut off how I felt I would. But I can'T

Why did you steal my heart from me when you already had somebody. I hate you becasue I loved you so much. What the hell is wrong with me. No I don't hate you at all. I guess I am or should or am supposed to. I wish you were mine or rather I was yours. I would do anything to make you happy and you made me happy everyday just by being around. I wish things were difrent and I don't know if you even really loved me or were jus playing games like people say. But for some odd reason I love you anyways. I would never want to hurt you and make you think I was obsessed. Because stalker people really suck. But when I wasin't around you anymore everthing lost its spark and it is boring and no fun. I wish I was lucky enough to see you again. It was dumb of me to spil the beans but I mean I was going nuts like stuff was coming ou of my mouth and I don't know why. Weird stuff kept happening and I was gonna explode n I am not crazy. NO I AM NOT. M guilty concious tells me I am but all this crap that happened leading up to you really was true. I guess I had nothing to lose. YOu were the most thoughtful person that I have ever known and I remember everything you have done for me even though sometimes you were a jerk. JERK. I'm just kidding. I'm stubbern and I don't belive them that you are a whatever it is and that you played people. I hate them for that. OR Rather i hink they are stupid.
Anyways when you were around I couldn't sop laughing n truhfully I didn't care if it went on like that for years and years casue I knew I couldn't have u. IT didn't mater to me but then it did becasue everbody kept trying to screw me n they drove me nuts. I was scared n n a shitty position n life and now I can't say I am doing much better with the situation I am in now but I saw it coming. Someimes when you are n a shitty position an kind of disabbled in the head you have to make some sort of decision. THats survival isn't it? ANyways I liked u becasue you brought out the best in me and it was kind of scary becasue I have took alo of effort nto being a prick like everyone else. I think you are the best person in the entire world and the most cute and more interesting than every other averge peice of wallpaer in this world. MOsly I think you are special just becasue you are and for some reason you freak me out cause you do some of the same stuff I do. I miss you alot and I hope that you have a good life please pray for me if you are out there becasue I need it. I know that sounds corny and selfish but I really need it. YOu are like the only person that ever really helped me without being a prick.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

why are you getting married??

Nutmeg — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 03:09:01 GMT

why do you have to get married to her? Just a week before my birthday? We were together longer. I know it was crazy, but everytime I look at your smiling face, on myspace, holding her, i makes me think of all the good times we had, the laughs, the excitement, I dont asscioate you with the anger, the yelling, the beating, the crying, anymore. I remember the flower, looking at the stars, you playing drums, this diamond ring that i still wear, yes, everyday i still wear it, it's the only ring i wear, you gave it to me, and it's still the most beautiful jewelry I own. I think of you everyday. Do I torture myself? Do you miss me? Why can't I hate you? I want to send you this.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

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posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

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posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 1 reply

love rat

tina — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 01:14:39 GMT

I'm in love and in need of help. Read my story at

http://delutionalselfishbitch.blogspot.com/

Any advise/ comment welcome

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

sigh.....

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 00:53:03 GMT

whats the difference between being fatalist and just being able to see the future? ah, the rides are fun, but they all end too soon...

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 9 replies

damn her, damn damn damn

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 21:37:50 GMT

Thanks for the $ when you dropped off the phone today, it helps with all the medical bills esp. since the church has cut me off now.
I was transferring my mom’s numbers to the razr cause she was having probs with her old phone, and I came across some photos that you forgot to delete. Anything you want to tell me now that it doesn’t matter anymore? I really think you could have handled yourself better, free communication would have been nice I think we both deserved that, not just yourself. We all must ultimately make the decisions that are best for ourselves, but as we go along, we can try to do so in a way that alleviates the pain we cause others.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

Nothing could ever be worse

Grisha — Thu, 01 Jun 2006 12:19:11 GMT

The letter:
I try to forget what you said, and i want to hate you for what you did. In everything i do i see you, i and i find myself too hoplessly in love with you even now. I cant forget, only forgive. You said you didnt even know me after four years, and that the man you met yesterday is so much better. Ive tried to stop you, i wont anymore its your life and i only want you to be happy... i never had much of a reason to speak my mind but now i find that i should tell you that this is killing me. That hurt, the chaos you've thrown me into, i feel used and that seems to be the legacy you've left me.
----
I never got over it, i still have nightmares, i cant forget, but i can in a way live for myself nomatter how much i want to give up for how weak which is possibly the greatest thing anyone left me. I still love her...

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

You could have been honest

kono — Thu, 04 May 2006 22:56:43 GMT

I just got devoriced, You knew I was in a scary place. But you waited... thank you. You came on so sweet. dark and strong. But you stood me up on the first date! What the fuck? Well! It was no loss I didnt have anything in this yet. Good for me! But you kept coming around. Just hi, just how are you. We we finnaly did go out. It was okay, I didnt let on about much, not ready to be open. We talked everyday. You would call. every night. We went out again. He said we were adults. No condom, oh god I need to get tested. You had me, I never felt anything so strong. Many many times. many days and nights of something gentil and dirty. You wanted kids! Now! how beautifull they would be. inside me looking down on me. Move in? let me take care of you while you get through school. Why am I not jumping at any of this.. A naging feeling. just I dont know. Is it that im newly single am I cold, unable to open my heart? I say nothing, just wait I say to myself. You call "am I ready to go to the city" 4pm. "No just go without me". " Are you sure? " Yes! Yes! bye"! Call back "hey are you sure" ? Yes, Im so sorry i hope this is okay I will make it up to you"! You say :later tonight okay 9:30" ? "Okay'. 10:30, well I will see if he's out all night, I would be. you dont answer the cell. I call 12:30. Im out with friends but Im getting mad. 2pm wow i lave a message. Im mad this is rude. Next day you leave amessage kind of an excuse." I got drunk". I call you have turned off the cell! I leave a message "well call me when you get this". all day sunday, monday, work tuesday, 5pm tueday "hay are you going to talk to me"... I remember this girl some how I just know she is in front of me. I ask "did you go out with Mauricio"? " No, I mean Yes but I dont see him any more". He keeps calling her, she says he wanted her, he is not a one woman man. When was the last time he called? "This weekend". Well you know the story. Now I feel something, It is coursing through me. Im so glad I can feel this! The pain will go and I will stop missing the feel of him. for now ... just pain

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 2 replies

Make Up Your Mind

Rachael — Sat, 15 Apr 2006 03:38:51 GMT

Why is it guys are always so indescisive when it comes to what they want.First they tell you their not attracted to you because they just like what they like and you arent it and then not see you for awhile and say when they see you be like i'm attracted to you.Dont you guys know that it is selfish of you to lead someone on that cares about you if you have no intention of being with them ever or if you have no clue of what you really want.Stop being so back and forth with what you want.Have some respect for the ones who care about you.Dont say things like you treat me better than any woman ever has but im not attracted to you.Or I love you but only as a friend then have sex with them and tell them all the things they have been waiting to hear from you.If you continue to be so disrespectful then karma eventually will bite you in the ass.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 2 replies

an old letter

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 18:02:14 GMT

You say that losing me forever "just doesn't seem like a real possibility". I wish I felt that way, but the reality is that I know I'M in charge of not LETTING you lose me forever...
there is only one reason that you haven't lost me yet, and that one reason is that I love you.
Knowing this gives me every reason to be afraid.
Love is a powerful emotion, but without nurturing it becomes a fragile thing...yet, even at it's most fragile it has the power to bring a person to his or her knees.
I want to live "in the now" - Be Here Now - Love you NOW.
NOW I'm here, NOW I love you, and promises are only intentions, because "the future" is all in your mind.
I believe the biggest problem you and I have is one you created yourself.
You "hold out" for 2 in the bush, what's behind the curtain, what Carol Merrill has in the box, and only the grace of love allows you the luxury of keeping what you've got in the meantime, while time goes by and the bird in your hand grows weaker every day.
Show me your love. Love me now.
Release me from this limbo, show me something I can trust, something I can respect, because here I am right now, and although the idea of losing me forever seems ridiculous to you, there will come a day when we will both be gone.
So what do you want to do with the in-between?

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

come here...go away!

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 05:30:27 GMT

aw...come here, I love you, I've missed you.....you do? dang, do you know how long I've waited to hear that? oh, but you feel the same way about "lots of people"? really? GO AWAY!!! no, wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that - I was just having a....a moment, it kind of threw me when you said that...you didn't mean that, did you? you didn't mean what I thought you meant, did you? you did? but you said...I thought...okay, you need to choose. I think you have a problem with making decisions, maybe it goes back to your childhood or something, maybe I can help you with that, if you'll talk to me...oh, for crap sake! you're so full of shit! GO AWAY! just go - don't come back! clean break - I need space, I need time, I need my life back - I set it down somewhere back there when I took your hand, I need to go find it. Oh, man...I miss you so much. I love you. aww...come here. okay - let's try again. it won't be the same - it will be DIFFERENT! because we've learned something from all that pain and now we both know what we want, and what we want is each other! right? uh...no, I thought we were done with that "issue", I thought we had that one all figured out...wait...I can't do that again, no. Oh, why don't you just go away - go away FOR GOOD this time! Leave me alone! how can you...how could you...WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU??? Are you retarded? Do you speak english? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?
I'm sorry, you're right, I'm overreacting again...forgive me? I love you, I'll always love you, you know that...

Rinse, repeat, slowly fold in 24 years.......stir.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 1 reply

Rita Hayworth

kono — Fri, 10 Feb 2006 20:17:37 GMT

Rita Hayworth
Wed, February 8, 2006 - 3:34 PM
I loved him, so one lie, not even a real lie. Just an omission. He liked what I had writen, and he never gave out compliments so I said nothing. He would never know, right? He didnt read, ever! It was my good bye letter. I would never to see him again. He didnt love me and I needed to get on with my life. It was good. I would leave him with something nice, end it all on a good note.

But I dont get away with anything! My karma comes back and bites, hard!

It was just a short story, about friends, by an author who only writes horror stories. That they would make it into a movie. A great big movie with big actors. It was a hit! They're all a bunch of bastards!

But he wouldnt see it, right? He would be too busy, not the kind of movie he would see. Of course the litte bit I stole was right in the most dramadic part of the move. I cried. Great movie.

Ten years... Twelve, maybe more. TNT. The Fuckers! I ask, who would play a move twice a day! I knew, he has to have seen this. But its kind of funny and I havent seen him I ages. Who is going to care.

Hey, guess who I ran into on the internet last year. Hi. how are you? fine... Yes lets have coffee, but never do.

He has a bio.

And this is where I sould stop, but I dont.

I read it

Guess what one of his favorite movies is...

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 5 replies

I was playing hearts while you were playing Blackjack

kingshag — Mon, 27 Feb 2006 00:10:41 GMT

AGAIN I ADMIT TO YOU THAT...

I would love for you to show me once and for all that you care about me now like I thought you did in the past. Like you stated in that letter.....

I want to awaken from the last few months as if from a bad dream and for girlfriend 2 to prove to be just the product of late night indigestion...

I don’t want to accept that I was just disposable to you.

I have tried to explain to you how it feels to be in my position in so many different ways ...

Why stop now...

PLEASE TRY TO IMAGINE HOW YOU WOULD FEEL GOING THROUGH THE FOLLOWING SCENARIO....

It is already quite humiliating and difficult to have someone who you truly love choose to leave you.

It is even more difficult when they do so without actually trying to resolve the issues being cited as the reasons.

When you add in the fact that you have effectively supported them for the last 6 months it becomes almost intolerably painful.

To be given 12 hrs notice of their move out....

To be ignored when you beg them for some extra time to prepare and for the police not to be involved....

To then discover that all of your mutual friends, her family and the police have been invited to join you for this incredibly emotional and heartbreaking event....

To see her stand by and act vindicated as the police throw you down in front of everyone and yr neighbors...

Knowing that you are on probation....

Finally you are left in the rubble of yr home and relationship without support or friends. You have just been brutalized by the police. You have malfunctioned under the stress in front of everyone present so that you have lost the respect of all concerned.

Well #$%&^, this is enough to break most people. That I ever found the strength to tell you that I loved you again after just this event should speak to the depth of my feelings for you...

Remember that your worst fear was being kicked out of the house....Something which you made me promise never to do....?

Why did I stupidly go on to call you names at times *%^&? Largely based upon the frustration and indignation at your treatment of me from the get go...combined with yr insistence upon being negative about me and our relationship...I was given no respect whatsoever.

I went on to suffer through many additional indignities beyond this. Many of which were my own fault I would be the first to admit. I was so damaged though that I just did my best to hang in there....Hoping for some real understanding at some point.

You know you could have stepped in at any time to help me and relieve some of the pressure. Instead of gloating over my failings.

I got so frustrated waiting for you to take a positive stance....

At some point I would have thought that you would have apologized. If you truly wanted to still work it out you would have said so from the beginning right??

Instead you just kept on denying me and grinding me down...

A process which has never stopped even until now...

MY GREIVIOUS ERROR....

I just wanted to be in love with you forever. My greatest wish was for you to be happy with me.

In the end I have never stopped fighting for justice with you. Since you say you are honest it seems incredible to me that you can't recognize that you have been very unfair to me.

When is it is time for YOU to step up in our relationship?

….For YOU to start giving of yourself?

I always have done this for you...

Even throughout the last several months when I have had zero encouragement....

All while being judged solely on my mistakes

But never on the basis of my efforts to address the original issues right?

Never on the basis of how I tried to show you my love through actions and words exponentially more times than I ever resorted to calling you silly names.

While having my heartfelt apologies ignored.

I have still received none of the apologies that I deserve at all myself.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 1 reply

ripping the bandaid of a wound not yet healed

alVacado — Sun, 26 Feb 2006 19:08:26 GMT

ok,
your new status of "in a relationship" was not much of a surprise, nor was it even too hard to figure out who it is. she was on your friends list before the 1st time that i got you unsubbed from tribe for TOU abuse. i thought it odd that she had re-joined on the 2nd since i noticed her back in august. when i asked you about your new friend, even questioned whether she was someone you had dated one of the billion times we broke up, no down played it to being friends and re-focused on your attack of me being friends with M and of the my email from him that you got by hacking my computer.

THIS is the chick you cheated on me with, i recognize her now with your new pic of her in a hat. THIS is the one that hid in your bedroom, cringing on the corner of your bed when you went MIA the monday after i went to visit my mom in fresno, and that evening i went to your apt to check on you and came in thru your open front door and confronted you about not answering my calls, ims and seeing you peak out the window and not answer the door. this is the girl that you SAID you had invited herself over under the pretense of downloading music, and brought an overnight bag, and a bottle, and a condom, even though you SAID you TOLD her that you had a girlfriend and you WEREn't supposed to be drinking (one of the MANY times you promised to get sober). THis is the girl the you FUCKED.

well, i hope you two will be very happy together. the lying cheating alcholic and his relationship wrecking ho. won't be too long before she is deserving of all the nasty things you projected and accused me of.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

I thought I was over your stupid shit

LauraBee — Fri, 27 Jan 2006 07:14:57 GMT

But first you hook up with that stupid voracious fuck-hole who used to be my friend, and now you're engaged to another pimply faced neurotic chick who shaves her head and then wears a hat all summer...I wish you all you deserve, and by all means, you two deserve each other.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

New in Here..... Need to Get it Off My Chest

Jessica — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 19:52:03 GMT

I hate you, why did you leave and then call me and tell me thing weren't working out. Then you came to get your badge because you had to work, then you said you'd be back today, because you fucked up and you want to come home. Now here it is today and im waiting on your ass. I haven't talked to you sence 4 this morning and then you were like well ive been working alot of overtime since ive been gone, just trying to clear your already aired out head I guess, you said you weren't sure when you were getting off work. YOU FUCKING StuPID TRAMP! !!!!!!!!. I know u usually get off work at 8 now it's 1:21 and im still waiting like a fucking ass. Why is it that you must lie, why not just leave me the fuck alone. Come get your shit and leave so I can go on with my already completely meaningless life. It seems like you go out of your way to make me feel like a complete ass, well, you REALLY needn't bother because I already feel like an ass most of the time any fucking way. I feel like an ass because I let go of someone else to be with you. And if you all you wanted to do was play games you could have left me in the miserable relationship that I was in. I would have found some kind of way to be happy there. You could have just stayed my friend. You weren't really that much of a friend anyway because you wanted me. So here I am sitting here in front of the same computer that you say I always run away to when im pissed of with you. The same computer and the same dog that you say I when I upset I always hold. He's still here and so is this damn computer and you're not. My fucking x-girlfriend keeps calling me. And she is SO fucking optimistic and I just want to fucking shoot her (or myself). She is HAPPY in her damn relationship and so willing to be my fucking shoulder to cry on. But I dont want to cry on her fucking shoulder, I just want to sit here and cry in the damn dark of this horrible ass apartment and stare at the fucking dent in the bed where you used to lay until I get over you. Which wont be soon because you asked me to marry you. I know relationships have problems and shit but you didn't even try to make it work. YOU JUST LEFT!!!!!!!. You deserted me. Now im alone. Completely and now im starting to cry and i just want to die, i swear. I want you to hurt, like im hurting i want you to miss me, like im sitting here missing you. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.. How could you leave me like this. You were my fucking everything. I just knew we were going to be together forever. I strated making plans to have kids and stop smoking and everything... now i smoke 3 packs a fucking day just trying to forget about you. I have never done anything to you for you to run away like this. And never come back, why give me hope that you want to reconcile if you dont really want to, so here I am just sitting here. I have two jobs that I start tomorrow. I have to wash clothes, and I dont even want to fucking move. The same dog that you hate so fucking much loves you to death and every since you fucking he just sits at the damn door waiting for you to walk in it. But you dont and he's so fucking depressed and he barely eats, he doesn't want his toys he doesn't want to go outside he just completely damn depressed. Just like me. I hate you...... I hate you so much right now..... I hate you so much that I just want you to come back home......

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

even tho you left me no choice

Sinnamon — Tue, 03 Jan 2006 06:20:23 GMT

closing the door was the hardest thing...

I miss you.

I don't miss the madness.

Oddly, since I've cut out the option of communication, the few sweet memories I do have seem to play out in my head and heart.

So sad it had to come to this. Sad that you left me no choice.

if only...

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

Letting go

Hardcorebrat62 — Thu, 10 Nov 2005 07:45:38 GMT

I posted this ~ http://people.tribe.net/hardcorebrat62/blog&topicId=25a8a1a2-844e-4b51-8aaa-9608b4a5d067 ~ because today i realized i was being held prisoner, but it was my fault to let it continue. I had posted a blog about a good friend who is a female pilot and then there were some responses that started attcking the ex. I even joined in with full venom. But then while doing washing dishes I realized that was not my intent with that post and removed all the negative responses and explained why. But that got me thinking about everything. Yes, I was used and abused by the ex but to continue to let it eat me alive was only letting him win. And that is not what I want. I am worth far more. I want joy. I deserve joy. My friend the female pilot and I had discussed how I felt like I could never trust another man again. That I felt like my abilty to love again had been taken away. I thought long and hard about that. That would make him far more powerful then he deserves. I deserve whatever love I may find. I am better then him. In fact that was part of why he feared me so much. But today I knew I needed to start embracing joy and moving on and forward. I have been dating but I think I kept my past in my head and my heart and it was a wall no one could get past. Not fair to me, not fair to anyone else. Its hurts to know I endured what I did with Jeff. It hurts because I loved so deeply and it was in vain. It hurts because I allowed him to continue hurting me. It hurts because I lost so much along the way. It hurts to think of how much my pain hurt so many near me. My family, my friends, my clients, my coworkers. All of this pain took the best of me away. A pain suffered at the hands of a monster who never deserved my love let alone my pain. It was a long incredibly hard journey. But I know now that I will never allow anyone to hurt me again. And I will work hard at embracing joy. At finding the real Maria again. The woman who laughs easily and intensely. The woman who loves not easily but intensely. The woman who takes care of those who love her and has that love returned. No man is worth my tears. No man is worth my pain. Today I feel free. What is different about today? I choose joy.!!!

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 3 replies

You better not be on your way here

LauraBee — Wed, 09 Nov 2005 16:44:45 GMT

I've asked you repeatedly not to come to this town. Find another town. I'm shaking with fear and that's not who I am. If you come here anyway, I'm going to have to think of you as dangerous and circle my wagons.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 1 reply

No, we really can't be fucking friends

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 06:29:22 GMT

Because I don't want to be. Because it leaves me vulnerable and because it is a constant reminder of a for real right in your face love that I cannot have. Because every time I look at you I will just die inside. Because I have all this love to give, and you'll actually take it. Because right now I just need to be left the fuck alone. I don't want a shoulder to cry on - I don't want your wise and cautious understandings dammit, and I don't want your patronizing love. I want to hurt like hell and then let the fuck go!

I don't need help through it - I need help bottling this up, shutting it down and building walls and setting up self-defense mechanisms. Fuckin A man I need help putting out this fire inside of me that burnsburnsburns and aches and aches. So keep your fucking sympathy, I got myself here and I'll get myself out all by my damned Self - so take all of your fucking bliss and get the fuck out of my life.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 1 reply

The inevitable IM

LauraBee — Tue, 08 Nov 2005 06:40:12 GMT

I don't want to talk about why this isn't going to work. What part of "No thanks" is unclear? God, please just leave me alone.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

I'm sorry

LauraBee — Wed, 02 Nov 2005 19:03:16 GMT

I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you thought they might. I think I'm more in love with being in love than I was with you. I feel so releived that I told you the truth about how I feel. That weekend at your house was so uncomfortable, but I learned alot about myself and what I want in my life. You're a nice man, I wish you all the best, but I'm totally not ready for what was brewing in that pot. Be well, and please hear me.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 11 replies

Lobotomy time

misterdoom — Sun, 23 Oct 2005 21:20:53 GMT

Sick of writing the old novel-length book of poetry entirely written on bar napkins.
Sick of the same fucking thoughts in my head when I wake up, over and over again.
Sick of the what-ifs and the whodunits.
Sick of finding the little notes from last year collated haphazardly through all the other paperwork.
Sick of what happens to my stomach when I see a missed call between 1 and 4 AM the previous morning.
Sick of the meaningless parade of morose blog posts.

I would like to get someone removed from my head.
Surgically. I hear it's a fairly simple operation that can be conducted with a standard household icepick.

I'm done.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 5 replies

I don't usually do this as a rule

LauraBee — Thu, 13 Oct 2005 16:29:14 GMT

But I booted Sunny from this tribe. I think that the mean spirited posts went on long enough, and to be true, I never even thought that anyone but me would be in here. I started this tribe back before we had blogs, and as others joined I was happy to see that it seems to be helpful.

Let's all play nice, a broken heart is hard enough to deal with, we don't need to be mean to each other.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 2 replies

son of god dam fuckin bitch

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 01:20:29 GMT

love stinks.
"i love you"
"i want to grow old with you"
"you are a wonderful man"
"... but i don't like the fact that you already have a daughter and an ex-wife, buh bye"

why do i love? why can't i be like the people in the beer commercials?

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 22 replies

i'm ronery, i'm so ronery

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 04:59:39 GMT

i'm assuming you've all seen "team america:world police" ?

well i don't know how to feel about feeling lonely.

its good that my strings aren't strung around someone else's control

its bad because i miss the drugged, fuzzy headed feeling of being smitten.

sometimes i feel guilty with my 'friend(s)' because i don't give them that total freaked out do-anything for pleasing them sort of affection.

i like my friends, i'm just not in love with any of them. i miss being in love. i miss jennifer, i miss kelly, i miss danielle, i miss the 2nd jennifer, i miss the 3rd jennifer, i miss the 2nd danielle, i miss the girls i fell in love with that i didn't even know, i miss sarah, i miss kim, i miss michelle, i even miss nikki and also niki. i miss who i thought erika was.i miss christine. i miss the jennifer i knew before i started counting jennifers. i miss rhonda. i miss hilda.

i miss love, trust, company, laughing, spooning, making dinner together, showering together, sleeping (really, just sleeping) together, picking out a movie together, shopping together.

i miss being innocent, being hopeful, having faith in god and people.

hello love, i'm here, where are you?

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 3 replies

current events

Mon, 29 Aug 2005 04:52:56 GMT

i served as the poster boy for a talk our local SNAP (www.snapnetwork.org) gave at a big baptist church here knox-vegas. told my story; told everything. almost. told them how the girl i thought i married told me it would be easier for her if i didn't come home anymore while i was still in the hospital's treatment program for depression and suicidal ideation. its a big church, lots of people (baptist, east tennessee? go figure). lots of families. lots of men and women with wedding rings. lots of kids with brothers and sisters. and then there was me and my daughter. no wedding ring, no siblings. just us.

i'm lonely.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 1 reply

if love were like software (hehe, no, its not a porn story)

Thu, 25 Aug 2005 02:00:39 GMT

...we would be able to throw the junk info out the waste-gate

...we could throw obvious warnings out when something dangerous happened

...we could rearrange the input and start over and see if the output improved

...we could cover over the ugly parts of the relationship with a "skin" and not have to worry about it, the under-neath would take care of itself

...we would have a reset switch to wipe the memory clean and start over with none of the garbage info sticking around

... off-switches would exist, work and someone would have told me how to use mine

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 3 replies

why we can't be friends

alVacado — Mon, 08 Aug 2005 12:11:18 GMT

because you don't know how.

you are (still) to filled with hostility, anger and jealousy to allow an actual friendship.

i think you concocted this latest drama so that you could tell me of your impending/potential date (that you haven't decided whether or not you'll go thru with) and you know that would end our status of having intimate contact and you freaked out.

you are looking for lies that don't exhist and you hold onto the one time and don't even see that by posting the screen shot of my email, you blatently admit that you hacked my email. yes, i admit that i had a brief flirtation with the guy but it was during one of the billion times that you broke up with me.

it's not like I went drinking with some random dude after we had a fight (and weren't broken up &after i promised that i wasn't going to drink anymore )and ended up "spending the night on his couch". and it's not like the next day i promised not to drink again &the following night decided to go to a bar and that YOU were the only one who had a problem with my drinking so i broke it off for good.

you do what you need to so you can hate/blame me.

i see how it works.

no, we can't be friends.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 9 replies

damn damn damn

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 03:47:48 GMT

spoiler... "she" is with "steve" now...

and now the wordy part...

i spent twenty years rigidly defining myself; then i've spent the
intervening time un-defining my life; letting myself be, experience
and exist in the totality of nothingness.

never, in a million lifetimes of the universe, would i be able to
conjure up the merest reflection of what i've seen in you in the 10
days since i talked to you over tea (that you were unable to drink
because i didn't know you to not put real milk or nut-derivatives in
it...).

out of a spinning fog, you coalesce into being, mostly unreal in
that i don't believe someone so wonderous can even exist. ephemeral
in a glow that blinds and pierces to the center of my brain.

i see an impervious guard, watching over her family; at the same time
a completely human woman, who wants nothing more than we all do.

from moment to moment, i tumble from doubt to uncertainty, always
resolved in what i believe and never sure about what i must do. i
know i must never contribute to any hurt or pain for you, yet i'm
certain my anxiety and wanting and best intentions will drive me to
do just that.

i don't know where chemistry comes from, but i feel like i'm drowning
in it.

message to all women...
STOP IT, YOU'RE KILLING ME

oh yeah, and tonight i me the next "She"... and then i met her completely undeserving but quite nice husband... the real trouble is that i wouldn't feel guilt at all....

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 1 reply

When I've forgotten to forget you...

tesscaline — Wed, 27 Jul 2005 18:30:55 GMT

I don’t understand. Even after all these months, I just don’t get it. Why did you push me away when you needed me most? Why did you throw away the happiness I had to offer? Did I do something to deserve this heartbreak? Did I say something that made you want to hurt me? I wish you would have said so, if I did, instead of blaming your cruelty on things beyond our control.

I would have walked through fire for you, bent over backwards and walked on my hands over hot coals, to the end of the world and back for you. I would have done anything you asked, if only to make you happy. I thought I did make you happy… you said as much… you marveled at how happy you were with me. But you threw me away anyway, with nothing but digital declarations of your unworthiness.

You didn’t even have enough respect for me to say it to my face, or even to my ear, that you would have nothing more to do with me. You said it to my computer screen… I still have that last letter, and I read it sometimes, when I’ve forgotten to forget my love for you, and I try to understand what I did wrong.

Did I love you too much? Too well? Did I make you too happy? Did I scare you with the intensity of my honesty? Or the purity of my trust?

It doesn’t really matter what the answers are… you’re gone, and that’s how its going to stay. I just wish I could put what I thought we had behind me. I wish I could forget… your touch, your face, your voice, your name…

this pain…

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 2 replies

so fine (spoken with a trembling inhale of smoke)

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 03:08:46 GMT

are you serious? XXXXXXXXX, you did. you did without even knowing or thinking about it. i'm scared and excited at the same time.

and now the wordy part...

i spent twenty years rigidly defining myself; then i've spent the intervening time un-defining my life; letting myself be, experience and exist in the totality of nothingness.

never, in a million lifetimes of the universe, would i be able to conjure up the merest reflection of what i've seen in you in the 10 days since i talked to you over tea (that you were unable to drink because i didn't know you to not put real milk or nut-derivatives in it...).

out of a spinning fog, you coalesce into being, mostly unreal in that i don't believe someone so wonderous can even exist. ephemeral in a glow that blinds and pierces to the center of my brain.

i see an impervious guard, watching over her family; at the same time a completely human woman, who wants nothing more than we all do.

from moment to moment, i tumble from doubt to uncertainty, always resolved in what i believe and never sure about what i must do. i know i must never contribute to any hurt or pain for you, yet i'm certain my anxiety and wanting and best intentions will drive me to do just that.

i don't know where chemistry comes from, but i feel like i'm drowning in it.

On Aug 11, 2005, at 7:33 PM, XXXXXXXXXXX wrote:

Paul

Who hit you?
Why are you off balance?
I am confused.

XXXXXXXXXXX

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

women, or why i can't seem to see clearly

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 04:59:25 GMT

i just graduate high school and broke up (cut off really) from the girl i was seeing, she was #2; of girls that dated me and then decide they were gay. ok, not so bad, at least it was interesting dating girls who fit the psychologically battered stereotype, we have some things in common.

then someone up there decides to knock me down and kick me in the teeth. i meet a new girl. she's everything you could never imagine, but just real enough that you believe your not high.

we date for a while, move in together a year later. married a couple years after that.

this past june 18 would have been our 11th anniversary. she asked me to move out on may 6 of 2004. she filed for divorce on oct. 16th of 2004. she said she didn't believe i could be intimate with someone enough to tell them that i was raped by my priest when i was 11, and NOT have an affair with that person i told (yes, female); therefore i had cheated on our marriage and she was out.

may 6 was two weeks into a 5 week hospital trip for suicidal behaviour and depression... yep, during the middle of treatment for depression, she tells me *she* would be better off if i didn't come home.

june 7 of 2004 my father passed away. his health had been declining and had been in and out of the hospital. the day before he died, my brother told him about my "coming out" of being abused by the priest... without my knowledge. his "step-daughter" drugged him around 3 am when he woke up grunting in his tubes that he had to talk to me. i got there at about 10 am ... he never woke up and passed at 10:32 pm that evening.

about two weeks after that my lovely "wife" of 10 years decides that she "doesn't want to be with someone who has problems like [me], and wants to be with someone who can give her more of the things she wants and is happy all the time like [her]"... 75k in east tennessee goes a long way, and "happy all the time" just screams 'neurosis' to me... this crystalizes for her about 3 days after she decides to go out on a date on our 10th anniversary.

the girl who "supported" me turns out to have a sex addiction and was 'grooming' me, not to mention that i have, for obvious reasons, very poor abilities to distinguish proper sexual boundaries as well as cause and effect of love/sex relationships. as soon as the divorce is filed, and she finds out, she is not interested in me anymore and i have no one to lean on... not that that is what she was there for, but obviously, neither was my "wife" of the time.

fast forward (for now) past the string of needy, fucked up, relationships since then (only one year, but i've tried my hand at this "normal and healthy" business), and i am still in love with my tormentor of 14 years. why?

i literally smell her perfume from our first date when i look at an old picture; i hear the music we used to listen to when i see her drive up with our daughter.

what the fuck is "just friends" ? i never figured that out. not to mention the fact that i fall in love with anyone that pays a modicum of attention to me and doesn't hurt me... too badly, at least not right away...

god does not exist, not like the christians think. just read the old testament and you'll be cured of that misconception.

god does not watch over you.

"people" don't care.

"people" hate it when you are happy, or at least appear to be happier than they, and will take steps, like my x-wife, to confuse and batter you emotionally if they suspect your able to function again.

pain and torture are dependable features of being in the sphere of this woman, or fork-tongued devil, that used to be my wife, and yet is still the mother of our angelic daughter. btw, is it possible that my ex, who has brown eyes, and myself with hazel eyes, could give birth to a daughter with blue eyes?

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 5 replies

deliver me

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 03:03:01 GMT

torture. and she does it innocently... i hope.

i go to bring some flu medecine to my x today because my daughter has a temperature and i know exactly what money my x has. i bring lunch, and some fresh fruit (kiwi and pineapple are very good for sickies).

we all have lunch together... just like when the x was a domestic goddess and i would come home for a home-made lunch.the daughter was sick, but you could see her eyes brimming over with joy because it was "back to right" (her phrase for 'like it used to be'). i'm lucky i'm back to write this, i almost died right there.

for my daughter i know i will never be able to deserve the privilege of being her parent, i know i will hopelessy fail to be as good a father as she has every right to have.

but the ex-wife is another story, and its not evolved, its not philosophical, its not spiritual nor is it honourable.

she was wearing black work-out pants (yes, low on the hips), and a red tank-top, no, she had no bra.

i manage to breathe when my daughter pleads to have us both home together, but that bitch can still make my heart stop.

what the hell is this last year for? i manage to develop a reason to give myself 51% of a decision to not kill myself, i manage to enjoy waking up, i figure out that i will sometimes hurt people and they will still love me. and she can still rip my tendons out of my body one by one while i have all the time in the world to wonder if it could hurt any more than it already does.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 3 replies

what happens while you're making other plans

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 03:59:11 GMT

ah, crap. there was a time when i felt no conscious guilt, when i could act and be certain in my righteousness. there was a time when consequences were for others, myself, i skated by always under the radar. no more, i'm my own worst fact-checker, my own mall security guard, my own conscience... and i'm tough, cruel almost. its almost enough for me to feel pity that she had to live with me... then i crawl out of my mea-culpa cuffs and remember what she did, what she told me, what she didn't tell me and what she didn't do. i'm free, but i thought freedom was supposed to feel better than this.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

You SUCK

LauraBee — Sat, 28 May 2005 08:09:14 GMT

You lie, you hide, you betray...and you ruin everything you touch.
You owe me money. Get it from your parents or something, but you and your lying little scabby gash both need to pay me so there's closure to this farce.

What in the world did I ever think I saw in you? I detest you. I respect my cat more than I do you, at least it eats what it kills.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 1 reply

Ain't life a brook?

LauraBee — Fri, 29 Apr 2005 06:19:55 GMT

My life is feeling like a polished stone
you give me a long drawn look
sometimes it's hard just to be alone...

I sold the furniture, put away the photographs
went out to dinner one more time
skipped the bottle of wine
had a couple of laughs...

wasn't it fine?

I didn't write that, it's a song that makes me think of you. I think I'm almost done with this tribe...I like to read back though, my pain was real, as was my anger...and my pathetic need to be loved by someone who just couldn't love me back...I'm starting to heal for real, and I'm not sure I'll need this much longer...

wasn't it fine?

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

Now that there's blogging on here

LauraBee — Wed, 27 Apr 2005 16:57:45 GMT

and I'm thinking of so many things besides you I find I don't need to write in here that much...Maybe time is healing all...I'm even starting to write nicer emails to you...I really wish you the best. Last time I saw you was the first time that not one part of me wished you'd change your mind!

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

Now that you're gone

LauraBee — Wed, 06 Apr 2005 20:21:03 GMT

I miss you, but I mostly miss the you that I knew before you broke up with me...I don't miss listening for the sound of you in my house, or wondering who you're talking to on the phone, or who you're with or what you're doing...Ok, I still wonder all those things, but not having you right downstairs makes it a little easier. I miss your cat, although I dont really imagine I'm going to come and visit you in your new hole, cave, whatever it is...

I keep praying that I'll forgive you, not hold any bad feelings about you...My sponsor says I should pray instead that I just accept the way I feel, and feel it till my feelings change. I don't want to feel any negativity toward you, but I do. I am so disappointed...let down...I still feel like I was tricked (although I should have seen at least my part clearly if not yours...) I know you believe you always tell me the truth, the problem is you don't know how to be honest with yourself, so the honest things you say are still not true.

So many things remind me of you...I'm sick of you, thoughts of you, memories of you...I want some eternal sunshine in my spotless mind...God, why did you have to drag me through all that if you weren't really into loving me? I'm a really good woman, and I know how to love and that I'm actually available to be loved...Well, except for the part where I still have energy about you, I don't want to drag that forward into a real relationship...I guess time will heal this, time and God, because I certainly am not seeming to be able to fix my own self.

Ok, I'm going to spend some time with myself until I know for sure exactly how I attracted you; what sick need inside myself you filled; and how to be the best woman I can be so the next time I will not repeat this experience.

Hear that God? I want a real relationship with a grown-up man next time. Until then, I live and I learn.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 3 replies

I hate you I love you I don't like you any more...

LauraBee — Mon, 14 Mar 2005 01:31:05 GMT

I am really having a hard time even talking to you these days...It's over, you don't owe me any explaination about where you go or what you do or if that *bitch* is calling you trying to hook up...What a cow. You don't want to hear about how I feel about all this, and to be quite honest, I"m not really interested in making polite conversation...I feel like punishing you and being mean to you and making you feel as bad as I do about this. I don't like the way I'm being, and yet I feel powerless to be any other way. I wish I didn't have to see you in my house all the time, and yet when you're finally gone I'll sit in your empty room and cry, and hope that you'll come to regret your decision and realize what a fool you are to dump me.

My very worst self is right out there at the moment. I don't like who I am when I think about you or talk about you or write about you...I am SO ready to move on!!! Now all I have to do is become *able* to move on and I'll be fine.

God, please give me the willingness to let go with love. I'm willing to be willing.

I don't like you very much these days. I think you are selfish and immature and talk a lot about things you'll never really do. I wish I could "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" about you. I'm jealous and petty and angry, and I want my old self back, no, I want my new self to happen.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 3 replies

The Black Art

Sun, 13 Mar 2005 01:33:30 GMT

This is one of my favorite poems. I think its quite appropriate for this tribe.

The Black Art, Anne Sexton.

A woman who writes feels too much,
those trances and portents!
As if cycles and children and islands
weren't enough; as if mourners and gossips
and vegetables were never enough.
She thinks she can warn the stars.
A writer is essentially a spy.
Dear love, I am that girl.

A man who writes knows too much,
such spells and fetiches!
As if erections and congresses and products
weren't enough; as if machines and galleons
and wars were never enough.
With used furniture he makes a tree.
A writer is essentially a crook.
Dear love, you are that man.

Never loving ourselves,
hating even our shoes and our hats,
we love each other, precious , precious .
Our hands are light blue and gentle.
Our eyes are full of terrible confessions.
But when we marry,
the children leave in disgust.
There is too much food and no one left over
to eat up all the weird abundance.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 2 replies

Let's get on with it already!!!

LauraBee — Thu, 03 Mar 2005 19:55:23 GMT

Man, I am SO ready to be done with this phase of our friendship...I'll always love you, but damn, I am ready to really feel single and see what the world has to offer me! I've dropped a few pounds, I'm getting compliments about how I look...and I'm starting to be funny again! It's amazing how different it feels to be around men that actually find me attractive! Someday? There's going to be a man in my life that loves it when I come on to him...who can't wait to be the one I lavish my attention on, who wants me as much as I want him...I don't know who he is, or where or when we'll meet...God will take care of that part. But I have too much love to give to just sit upstairs and wish that you wanted to be with me. Go with my love. Go in peace. Just go!

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 2 replies

I woke up different yesterday

LauraBee — Fri, 25 Feb 2005 20:47:39 GMT

I actually felt sort of hopeful...I am a wasted girlfriend in a relationship with you! You are so into yourself and your trip that you really don't have much to share with someone else, and I am a pretty loving, thoughtful and caring person, I want to be in a relationship with someone who has the same ideas about what that means. You know? Even if you said you wanted to get back together I don't think I would go for it, I wold just be signing on for more rejection and ignoring, and that hurts too much to volunteer for.

You weren't a very good boyfriend, you were just MY boyfriend. I think that's got so much to do with why I tried to hold on so tight to you when you wanted to let go. I feel freer than I have since you broke up with me. I'm going to get over you, and move on. I'm going to be truly available for a relationship that feeds me, not starves me to death slowly. I still love you, but that's not hurting me today.

I feel sorry for the next woman who loves you, it's like throwing pebbles in a well and looking deep down to see if they even made a ripple.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 1 reply

I don't know which is worse...

LauraBee — Thu, 24 Feb 2005 02:31:29 GMT

I do'nt know if it would be worse for you to be cold and distant and even mean, than just being your regular loving self. I KNOW that's part of the problem for me...See it through my eyes for a sec:

I'm cruising along in this relationship with the guy I waited for all that time; in love; thinking about a future we've talked about many times...I've always had fear that you weren't as into the relationship as I am, but hey, you always set my fears to rest...and BOOM! Explosion! Big fat hole in my life, because all of a sudden you don't want to be in a relationship with me any more...You left me, except you didn't go anywhere...just changed the rules...I still see you every day, hug you, tell you I love you...you still say you love me too...You just "Don't want to have a relationship with me"...Nothing has changed for me, I'm still here, still in love with you...What is the secret for not hoping you'll see the value in this relationship and restructure it yet AGAIN? I know you're selfish, and really take care of yourself first and foremost...You jealously guard your right to isolate and obsess...I know that and I still love you. I think that that's what makes a good relationship, knowing the other person's deepest and darkest, and loving them anyway...

God, why did you carry on long enough to make me believe that this was IT? It would have been easy to let go at lots of other points along our path...I am SO fucked...I don't know if I will ever feel over this enough to have another relationship. I know I deserve love, I'm a really good girlfriend, with plenty of faults, sure, but loving and faithful and committed...and yet I'm afraid I'll never trust anyone enough to try again...I don't even WANT to try again...See? Fucked. I am in trouble, and there's no releif or help for it, just keep going on...Man, this sucks!!!

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

Going to your parents'

LauraBee — Tue, 22 Feb 2005 00:35:59 GMT

It's hard not to be excited that we're going to your parents' house this evening...It's like the old days before you broke up with me...Like nothing's changed...Oh, wait, nothing HAS changed for me...I love you as much as I ever have.

My bad...

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 1 reply

He's not really going to change his mind

LauraBee — Tue, 15 Feb 2005 20:42:52 GMT

Wow, I just have to accept this...But I just don't see how, with so much love between us, we can't work it out! There is NO fight! There seems (at least to me) to be nothing that couldn't be worked through...But he's really not coming back. I am resisting this with all my might, and it's just making me miserable. I feel like I'll never be truly happy again. I feel like this could kill me, but here I am, breathing away...it's not going to kill me. Damn. I feel self-destructive, like I just want to bash my head on something, or make a million tiny slices in my skin, just enough to bleed...I don't do these things, because I am not insane, but a little tiny voice in my head says that it would be good to bring the pain from my inside to my outside...But, I'm not insane so those are just thoughts. Drinking is not an option. Hurting myself (physically) is not an option. Just sitting here and feeling like this till it goes away is all I can do. I am SO sad!

Thank God Valentine's day is over...like I need to live through a day all dedicated to love...ARGGGGHHHH!!!!

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 2 replies

I wrote it all down

LauraBee — Sun, 20 Feb 2005 23:44:04 GMT

My resentments...my fears...pages of what tortures me...and then turned it over, just like I'm supposed to. I wrote that I was ready for God to remove all of that and help me. I wrote it, and now when I want to think about it I try not to, I turned it over...When does that FEEL true, even when I'm sincere in my writing?

I see you, and you are so beautiful to me...I want you no less just because you tell me that you don't want me.

I'm trying to let go, I swear. I just still feel like you are the man I am meant to love, and so I love you.

fucking loser...when am I going to just get over it?

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

Bleak

LauraBee — Sat, 19 Feb 2005 21:22:45 GMT

you say my outlook is bleak
but I think I'm just realistic
I'm easy to leave
I just need to get used to being alone

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 1 reply

This is really hard

LauraBee — Fri, 18 Feb 2005 22:39:42 GMT

It's hard to see you suffer when I love you so much...and this is from your best friend, not your heartbroken girlfriend...I would give the moon and stars to see you truly happy, and I know that isn't going to be with me...my heart hurts for you.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

I have to go on somehow

LauraBee — Wed, 16 Feb 2005 19:53:47 GMT

I've been waiting for greif to just flat kill me, but so far...nope, still breathing, still whining...I'm deciding to picture myself happy and having what I want out of life...even if that means being alone. God, this is hard. I am just a partner kind of person. Abandonment is my biggest fear, and yet it's what I draw from the universe time after time...I don't want to cry any more, I want to heal from this. I really do. I have to accept life on it's own terms.
Blah blah blah blah, that's what I sound like to myself!

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 1 reply

Just another day

LauraBee — Mon, 14 Feb 2005 21:29:54 GMT

He says...It's F^$&ing Valentine's day and my boyfriend doesn't want me...Boo fucking HOO! This sucks

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

not the only one

julie — Mon, 14 Feb 2005 03:11:59 GMT

Thank you for writing what you did, I am in the middle of a break up. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and all of a sudden out of the blue, he tells me that he has fallen out of love with me and the passion is gone. He says that he loves me and that the problem is not with me it is with himself. He feels that he should be treating me better and until he can do that he wants to be on his own. He has no intentions of dating right now or starting anew relationship, he syas that he is in a "funk" right now and needs to find out if he is meant to be alone. His philosophy has always been that it is easier to walk away than to try.
It is so hard somedays, I know the feeling of bursting into tears 30 times a day and just crumbling when I hear the name. It is so hard because we never fought and we are best of friends, but I cannot remain frineds with him after this because it would break me to watch someone move into our house and continue the life that I dreamed of.
Sorry this is so long, I just had to get it out...julie

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 1 reply

I want to be friends SO badly...

LauraBee — Fri, 11 Feb 2005 00:15:28 GMT

I can't imagine my life without you...If I have to settle for being "just friends" then I guess that's what I'll do...I settled for less than I wanted when we were together...I guess this will be the same, just different. God, I miss you so much...things are better between us, and I'm sure it will continue to improve...

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

Trust me, I will!!

LauraBee — Tue, 08 Feb 2005 01:14:41 GMT

Man, I am SO done with all of this...I am going to get over it and move on. I love you, but I sure don't need this, not one little bit. Have your space, enjoy your glorious aloneness! I am FREE!!!

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

The silent treatment

LauraBee — Sun, 06 Feb 2005 23:49:56 GMT

Yeah, it does bother me. I've been working hard to cultivate indifference though, and it's a helpful tool for that. I'm trying to work myself into a righteous state of "Hey, fuck you buddy!" but I'm not there yet...Oh well, there's always tomorrow...I know, we can *not * talk about it then, how about that? Oh, and I know! You can tell me lots of hope-inducing things, but then, just for fun you can do something completely different...Ok, so currently I'm scoring: (out of a possible 10)

Indifference 5
Hey, fuck you! 1
sarcastic bitchiness 10
sadness 6.o5
hope 1
willingness 8
stupidity 10
feeling tricked 8
feeling foolish 10
trust .o5
respect 3
in relationship 0

I guess more will be revealed...

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

Help me see the difference

LauraBee — Sat, 05 Feb 2005 04:33:56 GMT

between being broken up and being together...Except for bursting into tears 20 times a day, or when I see you, or hear your name it feels just about exactly how you described wanting our perfect brakeup to be...I'm in love and pretty lonely at the same time...I wish I DID want to just be best friends, I think I'd feel pretty happy if I could be satisfied with that! Greedy only child...I always want more than is offered.

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 1 reply

Can't resist the temptation?

LauraBee — Thu, 03 Feb 2005 01:37:03 GMT

I know you weren't going to read my tribe posts any more...I also know that it's hard to resist though...I still wish you wouldn't...

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 0 replies

I am having a hard time believing it

LauraBee — Fri, 28 Jan 2005 00:00:38 GMT

How can you thnk that you'll be happier without me? How can you think some other woman, just by the ability to breed with you will be better for you? How can you not want me?This hurts, and I hope you see that we really had something good...

blah blah blah...He doesn't want me, I just need to get over it!

posted in >>>I know...But I'm just saying<< - 3 replies