i just graduate high school and broke up (cut off really) from the girl i was seeing, she was #2; of girls that dated me and then decide they were gay. ok, not so bad, at least it was interesting dating girls who fit the psychologically battered stereotype, we have some things in common.
then someone up there decides to knock me down and kick me in the teeth. i meet a new girl. she's everything you could never imagine, but just real enough that you believe your not high.
we date for a while, move in together a year later. married a couple years after that.
this past june 18 would have been our 11th anniversary. she asked me to move out on may 6 of 2004. she filed for divorce on oct. 16th of 2004. she said she didn't believe i could be intimate with someone enough to tell them that i was raped by my priest when i was 11, and NOT have an affair with that person i told (yes, female); therefore i had cheated on our marriage and she was out.
may 6 was two weeks into a 5 week hospital trip for suicidal behaviour and depression... yep, during the middle of treatment for depression, she tells me *she* would be better off if i didn't come home.
june 7 of 2004 my father passed away. his health had been declining and had been in and out of the hospital. the day before he died, my brother told him about my "coming out" of being abused by the priest... without my knowledge. his "step-daughter" drugged him around 3 am when he woke up grunting in his tubes that he had to talk to me. i got there at about 10 am ... he never woke up and passed at 10:32 pm that evening.
about two weeks after that my lovely "wife" of 10 years decides that she "doesn't want to be with someone who has problems like [me], and wants to be with someone who can give her more of the things she wants and is happy all the time like [her]"... 75k in east tennessee goes a long way, and "happy all the time" just screams 'neurosis' to me... this crystalizes for her about 3 days after she decides to go out on a date on our 10th anniversary.
the girl who "supported" me turns out to have a sex addiction and was 'grooming' me, not to mention that i have, for obvious reasons, very poor abilities to distinguish proper sexual boundaries as well as cause and effect of love/sex relationships. as soon as the divorce is filed, and she finds out, she is not interested in me anymore and i have no one to lean on... not that that is what she was there for, but obviously, neither was my "wife" of the time.
fast forward (for now) past the string of needy, fucked up, relationships since then (only one year, but i've tried my hand at this "normal and healthy" business), and i am still in love with my tormentor of 14 years. why?
i literally smell her perfume from our first date when i look at an old picture; i hear the music we used to listen to when i see her drive up with our daughter.
what the fuck is "just friends" ? i never figured that out. not to mention the fact that i fall in love with anyone that pays a modicum of attention to me and doesn't hurt me... too badly, at least not right away...
god does not exist, not like the christians think. just read the old testament and you'll be cured of that misconception.
god does not watch over you.
"people" don't care.
"people" hate it when you are happy, or at least appear to be happier than they, and will take steps, like my x-wife, to confuse and batter you emotionally if they suspect your able to function again.
pain and torture are dependable features of being in the sphere of this woman, or fork-tongued devil, that used to be my wife, and yet is still the mother of our angelic daughter. btw, is it possible that my ex, who has brown eyes, and myself with hazel eyes, could give birth to a daughter with blue eyes?
then someone up there decides to knock me down and kick me in the teeth. i meet a new girl. she's everything you could never imagine, but just real enough that you believe your not high.
we date for a while, move in together a year later. married a couple years after that.
this past june 18 would have been our 11th anniversary. she asked me to move out on may 6 of 2004. she filed for divorce on oct. 16th of 2004. she said she didn't believe i could be intimate with someone enough to tell them that i was raped by my priest when i was 11, and NOT have an affair with that person i told (yes, female); therefore i had cheated on our marriage and she was out.
may 6 was two weeks into a 5 week hospital trip for suicidal behaviour and depression... yep, during the middle of treatment for depression, she tells me *she* would be better off if i didn't come home.
june 7 of 2004 my father passed away. his health had been declining and had been in and out of the hospital. the day before he died, my brother told him about my "coming out" of being abused by the priest... without my knowledge. his "step-daughter" drugged him around 3 am when he woke up grunting in his tubes that he had to talk to me. i got there at about 10 am ... he never woke up and passed at 10:32 pm that evening.
about two weeks after that my lovely "wife" of 10 years decides that she "doesn't want to be with someone who has problems like [me], and wants to be with someone who can give her more of the things she wants and is happy all the time like [her]"... 75k in east tennessee goes a long way, and "happy all the time" just screams 'neurosis' to me... this crystalizes for her about 3 days after she decides to go out on a date on our 10th anniversary.
the girl who "supported" me turns out to have a sex addiction and was 'grooming' me, not to mention that i have, for obvious reasons, very poor abilities to distinguish proper sexual boundaries as well as cause and effect of love/sex relationships. as soon as the divorce is filed, and she finds out, she is not interested in me anymore and i have no one to lean on... not that that is what she was there for, but obviously, neither was my "wife" of the time.
fast forward (for now) past the string of needy, fucked up, relationships since then (only one year, but i've tried my hand at this "normal and healthy" business), and i am still in love with my tormentor of 14 years. why?
i literally smell her perfume from our first date when i look at an old picture; i hear the music we used to listen to when i see her drive up with our daughter.
what the fuck is "just friends" ? i never figured that out. not to mention the fact that i fall in love with anyone that pays a modicum of attention to me and doesn't hurt me... too badly, at least not right away...
god does not exist, not like the christians think. just read the old testament and you'll be cured of that misconception.
god does not watch over you.
"people" don't care.
"people" hate it when you are happy, or at least appear to be happier than they, and will take steps, like my x-wife, to confuse and batter you emotionally if they suspect your able to function again.
pain and torture are dependable features of being in the sphere of this woman, or fork-tongued devil, that used to be my wife, and yet is still the mother of our angelic daughter. btw, is it possible that my ex, who has brown eyes, and myself with hazel eyes, could give birth to a daughter with blue eyes?
posted by:
|
Unsubscribed |
-
Re: women, or why i can't seem to see clearly
Sat, June 25, 2005 - 11:52 PMOk, so first, don't even go there about wondering if you are really your daughter's father. You are, and you know it, it's just that when someone lies about so many things that really matter, it's hard not to think they lied about everything. Your girl is YOUR girl, don't trip and make your pain worse. (That's an unsolicited piece of psychic advice)
The truth is, when someone wants to end the relationship, they just do. The reasons they come up with to try to make it make sense to you will always sound like bullshit, because if you still want the relationship nothing will make sense. I too feel damaged by things that happened in my childhood, and I really think that I create different situations and relationships to re-enact that pain and give myself chances to react differently, and learn whatever the hell it is I'm here to learn. Is it fun? NO. does it feel like I'm making progress? Sometimes.
I think that it's possible that you and I are alike in some ways, and will have to finish dealing with old hurt before we'll create anything different for ourselves. Does that stop me from trying to have a loving relationship now after feeling all the heartbreak y'all have read here in this tribe? Absolutely not; take my advice, I'm not using it.
There IS a God, and I don't think He/She/It has anything at all to do with christianity or jesus. People DO care, and we attract people who will act EXACTLY as we need them to for us to learn what we need to learn. Don't give up, or you'll just have to take this class again. I'm sorry for your pain, I think I understand it...just keep trudging along, your daughter needs her Daddy. (I couldn't have made it to this place in my life without mine.)
Keep writing, it will help, and you can look back in days to come and see that you've made progress.
-
Re: women, or why i can't seem to see clearly
Sun, June 26, 2005 - 1:14 PMWow Paul! Thanks for your intense honesty. Here is my 2 cents. If you read my blog about my ex you will surely see the pain I suffer from his lies and addictions. But the fact is that deep (ok maybe not so deep really) in my heart I still love the good in him. Thats the problem. I guess as I puke up my thoughts and my history I am closer to understanding my feelings and what steps I must take to move on. What I know right now is this. MY love for him was/is REAL. It doesnt make it any less if he cant return it. I am a great person with much to offer. I will make my life rich and full and MAYBE someday I will meet someone who DESERVES my love. This too is your reality. You did your best. The vows you made in marriage were for better or worse. It was SHE who could not hold up that end of the bargain. Sometimes we fall far too deeply in love with people who are not good for us. Its a combo of a bad thing and a good thing about us. Good in that we are able to see the best in people and embrace that. Bad in that we let ourselves get used up and hurt. A strenghth wrapped up in a disfunction??? Lets embrace our strenghths and learn from our mistakes. I know it would be a shame if I was to let all of my hurt destroy the good in me. Time heals. I can feel it happening to me. Everytime I write out my thoughts I feel more clear. I see the truth. I too have struggled with thoughts of ending it all. But why? Because the hurt is so huge I feel I cant breathe let alone continue to live. But I will survive. And so will you. That which does not kill us only makes us stronger, right? We gain nothing from letting our pain make us bitter empty shells. I deserve love. I deserve respect. So do you. But we must first love and respect ourslelves as cornball as that sounds. And yes I see that it could be said that my postings on my blog scream against that idea. But this is my cathersis. My anger MUST be released. Every bit of it will come up and as it does I feel so much freer. I also try to take good care of myself right now. I have to work on eating and sleeping. I go to the gym 5 days a week to focus my energy and also make myself strong. Find a healthy outlet for your pain. It will not diminish it completely but it does give you a sense of personal satisfaction. I agree with Laura. She IS your child. You are only searching for ways to make yourself more hurt and have more reasons to be angry with your ex. I am an emotion junkie. Many of us are. Its not easy to find happiness and it seems even harder to create it. But anger and depression are not only easy to find but VERY easy to create. Anger of course comes with so many reprecussions. So that tempers it in some of us MOST of the time. But depression is so easy. Not only can I create it, I can have people join me in it. A big ugly pity party. Its so intoxicating to swim around in the extremes of our emotions isnt it? Intoxicating but also very destructive and a waste of precious time. I know, funny idea from someone who has obviously spent some serious time swimming in her anger and grief. But as much as I swim in it, I try to keep holding my head up and looking forwards to finding my peace and happiness. It may be a long swim, who knows. I am getting closer to the shore though. I swear I can see it. Paul, it is truly ONE DAY AT A TIME!!! That you are able to express your feelings, let alone see your pain and admit it, is a HUGE HEALTHY step. -
-
Unsu...
Re: women, or why i can't seem to see clearly
Sun, June 26, 2005 - 3:52 PMthank you to both, just knowing someone listened is a big deal.
there's a lot more on many fronts... thats all i could get onto the screen before i fell asleep at the keyboard... again.
i haven't been as diligent at journaling as i need to be and i think this will be very good... maybe even a book to help those with similar emotional afflictions...free of course but that means it won't be a "best seller".
my daughter just left with her mother to go to her mother's birthday dinner with *her* mother and step-father... more on him later.
i miss her already (my daughter), but it was a little easier to watch the x-wife go this time, and i hadn't even read your replies!
i'm going to chew on the two concepts of
1- setting yourself up in old situations in order to respond with new answers and
2- dwelling in the emotional extremes
thank you again, you're too good especially to respond to me, i'll leave with a bit of humor:
what feelings does the memory of deja-vu evoke?
yeah, well i try. right now i'm going out riding, my motorcycle is cold, and my brain needs to take a crap.
-
-
Re: women, or why i can't seem to see clearly
Sun, July 10, 2005 - 10:44 PM>>But the fact is that deep (ok maybe not so deep really) in my heart I still love the good in him. ..... What I know right now is this. MY love for him was/is REAL. It doesnt make it any less if he cant return it. I am a great person with much to offer.
wise words, hcb. i know this truth and yet, the let down of my love not being enough to get us both thru is maddening. the irony of me being jaded and not really believing we could have a worthy strong and healthy relationship was just on the verge of being convinced that there was hope. if only...he could stay away from the hard alcohol. but, i was just as weak as him. i let the devil in, and now am wondering whether i somehow wanted to sabotauge the whole thing. was the doubt too strong? was i too weak? i may never know or maybe, i don't want to see that weakness in myself or feel like i don't want to find what i know exhists but maybe i'm not ready for someone to be in my heart and have all the power that comes with that. the power to hurt someone in the same capacity that it can heal and feel love, true love.
dear paul: hugs to you that you can heal and open your heart again and find what you need, deserve.
-
-
Unsu...
Re: women, or why i can't seem to see clearly
Mon, July 11, 2005 - 7:38 AMhugs right back at you sinn......amon.sorry, couldn't resist.
i'm right there with you, only different...true of everything i suppose.
why couldn't she see i needed rescuing? the self destruction and pain should have been obvious; others saw it... yeah i know how it sounds, but at one time it made sense; that feeling is still somewhat appealing in a nostalgic way.
now its all too easy to fall in love, i feel like a tattered flag. anyone that pays attention to me, has an unreasonable/manic sexual appetite and doesn't hurt me can wrap me around their finger... i wish it weren't true and i'm fighting with my current dates, but dammit, everyone is so interesting and sexy!
-
-
-
