I posted this ~ people.tribe.net/hardcoreb...08b4a5d067 ~ because today i realized i was being held prisoner, but it was my fault to let it continue. I had posted a blog about a good friend who is a female pilot and then there were some responses that started attcking the ex. I even joined in with full venom. But then while doing washing dishes I realized that was not my intent with that post and removed all the negative responses and explained why. But that got me thinking about everything. Yes, I was used and abused by the ex but to continue to let it eat me alive was only letting him win. And that is not what I want. I am worth far more. I want joy. I deserve joy. My friend the female pilot and I had discussed how I felt like I could never trust another man again. That I felt like my abilty to love again had been taken away. I thought long and hard about that. That would make him far more powerful then he deserves. I deserve whatever love I may find. I am better then him. In fact that was part of why he feared me so much. But today I knew I needed to start embracing joy and moving on and forward. I have been dating but I think I kept my past in my head and my heart and it was a wall no one could get past. Not fair to me, not fair to anyone else. Its hurts to know I endured what I did with Jeff. It hurts because I loved so deeply and it was in vain. It hurts because I allowed him to continue hurting me. It hurts because I lost so much along the way. It hurts to think of how much my pain hurt so many near me. My family, my friends, my clients, my coworkers. All of this pain took the best of me away. A pain suffered at the hands of a monster who never deserved my love let alone my pain. It was a long incredibly hard journey. But I know now that I will never allow anyone to hurt me again. And I will work hard at embracing joy. At finding the real Maria again. The woman who laughs easily and intensely. The woman who loves not easily but intensely. The woman who takes care of those who love her and has that love returned. No man is worth my tears. No man is worth my pain. Today I feel free. What is different about today? I choose joy.!!!