spoiler... "she" is with "steve" now...


and now the wordy part...

i spent twenty years rigidly defining myself; then i've spent the
intervening time un-defining my life; letting myself be, experience
and exist in the totality of nothingness.

never, in a million lifetimes of the universe, would i be able to
conjure up the merest reflection of what i've seen in you in the 10
days since i talked to you over tea (that you were unable to drink
because i didn't know you to not put real milk or nut-derivatives in
it...).

out of a spinning fog, you coalesce into being, mostly unreal in
that i don't believe someone so wonderous can even exist. ephemeral
in a glow that blinds and pierces to the center of my brain.

i see an impervious guard, watching over her family; at the same time
a completely human woman, who wants nothing more than we all do.

from moment to moment, i tumble from doubt to uncertainty, always
resolved in what i believe and never sure about what i must do. i
know i must never contribute to any hurt or pain for you, yet i'm
certain my anxiety and wanting and best intentions will drive me to
do just that.

i don't know where chemistry comes from, but i feel like i'm drowning
in it.


message to all women...
STOP IT, YOU'RE KILLING ME



oh yeah, and tonight i me the next "She"... and then i met her completely undeserving but quite nice husband... the real trouble is that i wouldn't feel guilt at all....