torture. and she does it innocently... i hope.
i go to bring some flu medecine to my x today because my daughter has a temperature and i know exactly what money my x has. i bring lunch, and some fresh fruit (kiwi and pineapple are very good for sickies).
we all have lunch together... just like when the x was a domestic goddess and i would come home for a home-made lunch.the daughter was sick, but you could see her eyes brimming over with joy because it was "back to right" (her phrase for 'like it used to be'). i'm lucky i'm back to write this, i almost died right there.
for my daughter i know i will never be able to deserve the privilege of being her parent, i know i will hopelessy fail to be as good a father as she has every right to have.
but the ex-wife is another story, and its not evolved, its not philosophical, its not spiritual nor is it honourable.
she was wearing black work-out pants (yes, low on the hips), and a red tank-top, no, she had no bra.
i manage to breathe when my daughter pleads to have us both home together, but that bitch can still make my heart stop.
what the hell is this last year for? i manage to develop a reason to give myself 51% of a decision to not kill myself, i manage to enjoy waking up, i figure out that i will sometimes hurt people and they will still love me. and she can still rip my tendons out of my body one by one while i have all the time in the world to wonder if it could hurt any more than it already does.
i go to bring some flu medecine to my x today because my daughter has a temperature and i know exactly what money my x has. i bring lunch, and some fresh fruit (kiwi and pineapple are very good for sickies).
we all have lunch together... just like when the x was a domestic goddess and i would come home for a home-made lunch.the daughter was sick, but you could see her eyes brimming over with joy because it was "back to right" (her phrase for 'like it used to be'). i'm lucky i'm back to write this, i almost died right there.
for my daughter i know i will never be able to deserve the privilege of being her parent, i know i will hopelessy fail to be as good a father as she has every right to have.
but the ex-wife is another story, and its not evolved, its not philosophical, its not spiritual nor is it honourable.
she was wearing black work-out pants (yes, low on the hips), and a red tank-top, no, she had no bra.
i manage to breathe when my daughter pleads to have us both home together, but that bitch can still make my heart stop.
what the hell is this last year for? i manage to develop a reason to give myself 51% of a decision to not kill myself, i manage to enjoy waking up, i figure out that i will sometimes hurt people and they will still love me. and she can still rip my tendons out of my body one by one while i have all the time in the world to wonder if it could hurt any more than it already does.
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Re: deliver me
Tue, June 28, 2005 - 1:43 PMPaul. maybe it would be easier if you limited your contact with her. As much as your daughter loves it it is obviously making it harder for you to move on. As hard as this for me to live up to I still believe that we parent by example. Its not only what we dont do, like doing drugs ot drinking to much or whatever. But it is by livingthe kind of life that we would want our children to live as adults. Happy (as much as any us can be), productive, a rich and full life. This is VERY hard to do I know for a fact. I fail at setting an example far too often. In fact yesterday my daughter and I had a very heated conversation about my feelings about J. She is right in what she feels. I feel awful that I am confusing her and letting her down in my reaction to him. She says she does understand my feelings but it kills her to see me be in this so deeply. I assured her (and I DO BELIEVE this) I am getting so much better as I process all of this. I need to write it all out. But she wants me to let it go. I understand that and in due time I will. Especially because I know this hurts her. Paul, its important to look for good things now. Whatever makes you happy. It is hard to do this in the middle of processing all you pain. God do I know that. But everytime I do something healthy for me I feel a step closer to free. STOP cutting yourself down please. We are all human. we all make mistakes. Embrace your strenghths. For your daughters sake if nothing else. It si far too easy to get sucked up in the memories of the good times with our ex's..GOD DO I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT. remind yourself of why things are the way they are now. You deserve more. I know for a fact, even if I am not applying this as much as I want to yet, that I cant meet anyone good for me while I am beating myslef up about J. Talk about baggage..LOL I want and deserve to find love again.But I only will do that when I am available emotionally. I am very close now. But it has taken a lot of work. Ok, ive got things to do and the bags are hard to drag around, although they do help me build some serious muscle!!! Peace Paul!!!! -
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Re: deliver me
Wed, June 29, 2005 - 6:39 PM1st things 1st, peace hardcore... will you forgive me if i said that i initially thought your screen-name was "hardcorebra"...? i guess we just tend to focus on things and well, you know where i was ... i was wonderthing though just *what* would be at the center!!
anyway, do i get or lose points if i act healthy but have these emotion things boiling up inside? (as in my missive earlier) or do i have to actually "feel" what i am doing?... cause that would suck. -
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Re: deliver me
Wed, June 29, 2005 - 10:18 PMYou don't have to feel what you are doing, but I recommend not Doing what you're Feeling...I think that sometimes even after a woman is out of the relationship we still like to know that you still want us...Sick, but kind of typical female behavior...
I'm sorry you're suffering so much...just keep writing it.
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